100 Funny Jokes by 100 Comedians (The Telegraph) [Revised]

'I don't trust that man. Before he gave his business cards out, he shuffled them.'
Red Buttons

'My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!'
Sarah Silverman

'The wife’s mother said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’
I said: ‘Good. I’m being buried at sea.’'
Les Dawson

'I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered 'French Toast during the Renaissance'.
Peter Kay

'I just need to make it to 34 and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.'
Sarah Millican

'I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.'
Nick Helm

'The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall.'
Mitch Hedberg

'Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?'
Michael McIntyre

'I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really sh-tty body.'
Louis CK

'I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.'
Emo Phillips

'God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.'
Robin Williams

'My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.'
Ellen DeGeneres

'Two elderly women are at a Catskill restaurant. One of them says, "Boy, the food at this place is just terrible." The other one says, "Yeah I know. And such small portions."
Woody Allen

'I met my wife in Hong Kong. I said, what the bloody hell are you doing here?'
Alexei Sayle

'Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.'
Jenny Eclair

'Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.'
Benny Hill

'How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?'
Steven Wright

'Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.'
Bill Bailey

'Sir Bedevere: 'Now, why do witches burn?'
Peasant: '...because they're made of... wood?'
Sir Bedevere: 'Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?'
Peasant 2: 'Build a bridge out of her.''
From Monty Python and the Holy Grail

'A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.'
Jack Benny

'How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?'
Ross Noble

'I don't want any publicity – you get too many begging letters. If they're anything like the ones I send out I don't want to know!'
Tony Hancock

'My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.'
Dave Barry

'When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.'
Bob Monkhouse

'First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.'
Steve Martin

'I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'
Bill Hicks

'You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.'
George Burns

'The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, 'Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.''
Jerry Lewis

'A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.'
Bill Murray

'If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?' Dara O'Brien

'If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.'
Marcus Brigstocke

'It's important to live your life by a motto. I chose to live my life by the motto, 'My enemy's enemy is my friend.' Unfortunately, as it turns out, my enemy is his own worst enemy. So, I have to invite him to barbecues.'
Richard Herring

'Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously hasn't tried nailing jelly to a tree.'
John Candy

'Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?'
Billy Connolly

Source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comedy/comedians/funny-jokes/red-buttons/

Chuck Norris Jokes / Чък Норис Шеги

"Chuck Norris does not sleep; he waits."

"Чък Норис не спи; той чака."

"Chuck Norris wears sunglasses so that his eyes won't hurt the sun."

"Чък Норис носи слънчеви очила, за да предпази слънцето от очите си."

"Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird."

"Чък Норис може да убие два камъка с едно пиле."

 "Chuck Norris doesn't breathe air. He holds air hostage."

"Чък Норис не диша въздух. Той взима въздуха за заложник."

 "Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants today are known as giraffes."

"Чък Норис веднъж ритнал кон в брадичката. Сега потомците му са известни като жирафи."

 "When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out."

"Когато Чък Норис навършил 18, родителите му се изнесли."

 "If Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1."

"Ако Чък Норис беше спартанец във филма 300, филмът щеше да се казва 1."

 "Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret."

Без превод.

"Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong phone."

"Чък норис не е набрал грешен номер. Ти си вдигнал неправилния телефон."

"Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra and after five days of excruciating pain... the cobra died."

"Чък Норис беше ухапан от кобра и след пет дни в нечовешки болки... кобрата умря."

"Only Chuck Norris can strangle his enemy with wireless phone."

"Единствено Чък Норис може да удуши врага с си безжичен телефон."

Chuck Norris put frames on his Windows.

Чък Норис си е сложил дограма на Windows-а.

All Fast food restaurants were created so that people could eat while running from Chuck Norris.

Всички рестуранти за бързо хранене са направени, за да могат хората да хапнат, докато бягат от Чък Норис.

If you spell Chuck Norris's name in scrabble, you win forever.

Ако напишеш името на Чък Норис в скрабъл, побеждаваш завинаги.

When Chuck Norris slices onion, onion cry.

Когато Чък Норис реже лук, лукът плаче.

Chuck Norris is what makes the Central Nervous System nervous.

Чък Норис е причината централната нервна система да бъде нервна.

   

Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.

Страх от паяци се нарича аракнафобия, страх от тесни пространства е калострофобия, а страх от Чък Норис се нарича логика. 

Only Chuck Norris owns Apple products with the whole apple.

Само Чък Норис притежава продукти на Епъл с цялата ябълка.

Chuck Norris can win American Idol using only sign language.

Чък Норис може да спечели Америкън Айдъл, използвайки езика на глухонемите.

Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.

Призраците седят около лагерен огън и си разказват Чък Норис истории.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just afriad to move.

Чък Норис има мечка гризли в стаята вместо килим. Мечката не е мъртва, а просто я е страх да се движи.

When Chuck Norris do push-ups the Earth pushes away of him.

Когато прави лицеви упори не Чък Норис се отблъсква от Земята, а Земята от него.
  
Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.

Чък Норис спечели Световните серии по покер, използвайки карти Покемон.

When Chuck Norris throw a grenade he kills fifty people before the explosion.

Когато чък Норис хвърли граната убива петдесет човека, преди тя да е избухнала.

Chuck Norris is dead long ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.

Чък Норис е мъртав от много отдавна, но смъртта oще не е събрала смелост да му каже.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.

Чък Норис вече е бил на луната, затова там няма признаци на живот.

Once the cop pulled over Chuck Norris....the cop was lucky to leave with a warning.

След като полицай спрял Чък Норис, той извадил късмет да бъде пуснат само с предупреждение.

Chuck Norris doesn't make left turns because everything he does is right.

Без превод.

Jesus can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Ако Исус може да ходи по вода, то Чък Норис може да плува по сушата.

Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.

Чък Норис може да реже през нож с масло.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it.

Без превод.

Chuck Norris can touch this.

Без превод.

Chuck Norris can count to infinity more than twice.

Чък Норис може да брои до безкрайност повече от два пъти.
 
Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.

Без превод.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Чък Норис не може да получи сърдечен удар, защото сърцето му го е страх да го удари.

Woody Allen / Уди Алън

 

"There is no advantage in getting older. It is a bad business getting old and I advise you not to do it if you can avoid it."

"В остаряването няма предимства. Лоша работа е да остаряваш и ви съветвам да не го правите, ако имате възможност да го избегнете."

 "If you look life too honestly and clearly life does become unbearable because it is a pretty grim enterprise."

 "Ако гледаш живота прекалено честно и ясно, той става непоносим, защото е доста безжалостно начинание."

  "I am not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys."

"Не съм голям бияч, имам лоши рефлекси. Веднъж ме блъсна кола, която двама души бутаха."

"Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman."

"Сексът между мъж и жена може да бъде страхотен - стига да се озовеш между подходящ мъж и подходяща жена."

"And my parents finally realized that I am kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room."

"Накарая родителите ми разбрали, че съм отвлечен и незабавно взели мерки - дали стаята ми под наем."

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."

"Живота не имитира изкуството, имитира лоша телевизия."

"Women are soft containment presence."

"Жените са меко, обгръщащо присъствие."

"Това е страхотен златен джобен часовник. Гордея се с него. Продаде ми го дядо ми на смъртното си легло."

"It is a gorgeous gold pocket watch. I'm proud of it. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."

"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought — particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."

"Интересно, според модерните астрономи, вселената е крайна. Много успокояваща мисъл - особено за хора, които никога не могат да запомнят къде си оставят нещата."

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."

"Можете да доживеете до сто годишна възраст, ако оставите всички неща, които ви карат да живеете до толкова, да станат на сто."

"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."

"Когато ме отвлякоха родителите ми предприеха бурни мерки. Пуснаха стаята ми под наем."

"To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."

                                         "За теб може да съм атеист; за Бог, аз съм, Лоялната опозиция." 

"If you decide to move, tell your address in the post office. Unless you do not care for the future generations." 

"Ако сте решили да се местите, съобщете адреса си в пощенския клон. Освен ако пет пари не давате за бъдещите поколения."

"What if nothing exists and were all in somebody's dream?"

"Какво ако нищо не съществува и всички сме в нечии сън?" 

"God died, Ford died, and I do not feel very well."

"Господ умря, Форд умря, а и аз не се чувствам много добре."

"There was nothing in my life that I aspired toward that hasn't come through for me. But despite all these lucky breaks, why do I still feel that I got screwed somehow?" 

"Няма нещо в живота ми, към което да съм се стрмил и да не съм постигнал. Но въпреки всичките тези успешни постижения, защо се чувствам сякаш съм оплескал нещо?"

"We all know the same truth and our lives consist of how we choose to distort it." 

"Всички знаем една и съща истина, а животите ни се състоят в това как избираме да я изопачим."

"Love is the answer - but while waiting for the answer sex puts some pretty good questions."

"Любовта е отговорът - но докато чакаш отговора, сексът задава някои доста добри въпроси."

"Who does not die by the sword or hunger will die from plague, so why we should shave?"

"Който не умре от меч или глад, ще умре от чума, така че защо да се бръснем?" 

"The saddest thing in life is a missed opportunity."

"Най-тъжното нещо в живота е изпуснатата възможност." 

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy."

"Изхвърлиха ме от колежа заради маменето ми на изпита по метафизика: погледнах в душата на мой състудент."

"I'm not a poet, I would not die for love. I work on Wallstreet."

"Не съм поет, не бих умрял за любов. Работя на Wallstreet."