'I don't trust that man. Before he gave his business cards out, he shuffled them.'
Red Buttons
'My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!'
Sarah Silverman
'The wife’s mother said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’
I said: ‘Good. I’m being buried at sea.’'
Les Dawson
'I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered 'French Toast during the Renaissance'.
Peter Kay
'I just need to make it to 34 and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.'
Sarah Millican
'I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.'
Nick Helm
'The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall.'
Mitch Hedberg
'Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?'
Michael McIntyre
'I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really sh-tty body.'
Louis CK
'I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.'
Emo Phillips
'God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.'
Robin Williams
'My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.'
Ellen DeGeneres
'Two elderly women are at a Catskill restaurant. One of them says, "Boy, the food at this place is just terrible." The other one says, "Yeah I know. And such small portions."
Woody Allen
'I met my wife in Hong Kong. I said, what the bloody hell are you doing here?'
Alexei Sayle
'Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.'
Jenny Eclair
'Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.'
Benny Hill
'How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?'
Steven Wright
'Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.'
Bill Bailey
'Sir Bedevere: 'Now, why do witches burn?'
Peasant: '...because they're made of... wood?'
Sir Bedevere: 'Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?'
Peasant 2: 'Build a bridge out of her.''
From Monty Python and the Holy Grail
'A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.'
Jack Benny
'How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?'
Ross Noble
'I don't want any publicity – you get too many begging letters. If they're anything like the ones I send out I don't want to know!'
Tony Hancock
'My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.'
Dave Barry
'When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.'
Bob Monkhouse
'First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.'
Steve Martin
'I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'
Bill Hicks
'You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.'
George Burns
'The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, 'Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.''
Jerry Lewis
'A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.'
Bill Murray
'If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?' Dara O'Brien
'If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.'
Marcus Brigstocke
'It's important to live your life by a motto. I chose to live my life by the motto, 'My enemy's enemy is my friend.' Unfortunately, as it turns out, my enemy is his own worst enemy. So, I have to invite him to barbecues.'
Richard Herring
'Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously hasn't tried nailing jelly to a tree.'
John Candy
'Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?'
Billy Connolly
Source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comedy/comedians/funny-jokes/red-buttons/
