100 Funny Jokes by 100 Comedians (The Telegraph) [Revised]

'I don't trust that man. Before he gave his business cards out, he shuffled them.'
Red Buttons

'My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!'
Sarah Silverman

'The wife’s mother said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’
I said: ‘Good. I’m being buried at sea.’'
Les Dawson

'I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered 'French Toast during the Renaissance'.
Peter Kay

'I just need to make it to 34 and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.'
Sarah Millican

'I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.'
Nick Helm

'The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall.'
Mitch Hedberg

'Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?'
Michael McIntyre

'I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really sh-tty body.'
Louis CK

'I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.'
Emo Phillips

'God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.'
Robin Williams

'My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.'
Ellen DeGeneres

'Two elderly women are at a Catskill restaurant. One of them says, "Boy, the food at this place is just terrible." The other one says, "Yeah I know. And such small portions."
Woody Allen

'I met my wife in Hong Kong. I said, what the bloody hell are you doing here?'
Alexei Sayle

'Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.'
Jenny Eclair

'Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.'
Benny Hill

'How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?'
Steven Wright

'Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.'
Bill Bailey

'Sir Bedevere: 'Now, why do witches burn?'
Peasant: '...because they're made of... wood?'
Sir Bedevere: 'Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?'
Peasant 2: 'Build a bridge out of her.''
From Monty Python and the Holy Grail

'A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.'
Jack Benny

'How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?'
Ross Noble

'I don't want any publicity – you get too many begging letters. If they're anything like the ones I send out I don't want to know!'
Tony Hancock

'My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.'
Dave Barry

'When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.'
Bob Monkhouse

'First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.'
Steve Martin

'I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'
Bill Hicks

'You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.'
George Burns

'The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, 'Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.''
Jerry Lewis

'A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.'
Bill Murray

'If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?' Dara O'Brien

'If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.'
Marcus Brigstocke

'It's important to live your life by a motto. I chose to live my life by the motto, 'My enemy's enemy is my friend.' Unfortunately, as it turns out, my enemy is his own worst enemy. So, I have to invite him to barbecues.'
Richard Herring

'Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously hasn't tried nailing jelly to a tree.'
John Candy

'Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?'
Billy Connolly

Source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comedy/comedians/funny-jokes/red-buttons/

Napoleon Hill / Наполеон Хил

           

"No one is inherently lazy. It is human nature to want to be doing things unless we are ill. A sure sign of the beginnings of a recovery from illness is the desire to get up and around, to go back to work, to do something — anything. Inactivity leads to boredom, and boredom leads to “laziness.” Conversely, activity leads to interest, and interest leads to enthusiasm and ambition. W. Clement Stone often says, “The emotions are not always subject to reason, but they are always subject to action!” Determine what you are best at and what you like to do, and develop a burning desire to be the best you can be at it. Then get into action."

"Никой не е вътрешно мързелив. В природата на човека е да иска да върши нещо, освен ако не е болен. Сигурен знак за началото на възстановяването от болестта е желанието да се изправиш наоколо, да се върнеш на работа, да правиш нещо - каквото и да е. Неактивността води до скука, а скуката води до "мързел". Обратно, дейността води до интерес, а интересът води до ентусиазъм и амбиция. В. Климент често казва: "Емоциите не винаги са подвластни на разума, но винаги са обект на действие!" Определете в какво сте най-добри и какво обичате да правите, и развийте изгарящо желание да бъдете най-доброто, което можете да бъдете в това нещо. Тогава се заемете да действате."

"Man is not a creature of circumstances, but a creator of circumstances. He makes his own circumstances, his own opportunities."

"Човекът не е същество на обстоятелствата, а техен създател. Той прави собствените си обстоятелства, собствените си възможности."

"There are no limitations to the mind except those that we acknowledge."

"Няма ограничения на съзнанието освен тези, които сметнем да признаем."

"A lazy individual either is sick or has not found the work he or she likes best."

"Мързеливият или е болен, или не е намерил работата, която харесва най-много."

"Ideas are the beginning points of all fortunes."

 "Идеите са началото на всички богатства."

 "Your ability to use the principle of auto-suggestion will depend, very largely, upon your capacity to concentrate upon a given desire until that desire becomes a burning obsession."

"Вашата способност да използвате принципа на само-предполагането, ще зависи до голяма степен от способността ви да се концентрирате върху дадено желание, докато това желание стане изгарящо обсебване."

"A group of brains coordinated (or connected) in a spirit of harmony will provide more thought-energy than a single brain, just as a group of electric batteries will provide more energy than a single battery."

"Група от мозъци, които са координирани (или свързани) в дух на хармония ще осигурят повече мисловна енергия, отколкото само един мозък. Така, както свързани заедно батерии ще доставят повече енергия, отколкото само една батерия."

 "Ideas are the beginning points of all fortunes."

"Идеите са отправните точки на всички богатства."

 "Your ability to use the principle of auto-suggestion will depend, very largely, upon your capacity to concentrate upon a given desire until that desire becomes a burning obsession."

"Вашата способност да използвате принципът на самовнушение ще зависи, до голяма степен, от капацитета ви да се концентрирате върху дадено желание, докато това желание не се превърне в изгаряща обсесия."

"Think of yourself as on the threshold of unparalleled success. A whole, clear, glorious life lies before you."

"Мислете себе си като застанали на прага на успеха. Цял, чист, славен живот се разкрива пред вас."

 "Riches begin in the form of thought! The amount is limited only by the person in whose mind the thought is put into motion. Faith removes limitations!"

"Богатството започва от формата на мисълта! Неговото количество се ограничава единствено от човека, в чийто ум е произведена мисълта. Вярата премахва ограниченията."

"Desire is the starting point of all achievements."

"Желанието е отправната точка към всички постижения."

 "Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul, the blueprints of your ultimate achievements."

"Грижете се аз вашите видения и вашите мечти, все едно че са децата на душата ви, отпечатъците на вашите основни постижения."

"The man who makes more than he is paid for, he will soon be paid more than he do."

"На човек, който прави повече, отколкото му се плаща, скоро ще му се плаща повече, отколкото прави."

"Our minds excitation with dominant thoughts that are in them, and these magnets attract to us the forces, the people and the circumstances that are consistent with the nature of our dominating thoughts."

"Нашите умове се намагнетизират с доминиращи мисли, които са в тях, и тези магнити привличат към нас силите, хората и обстоятелствата, които са в съзвучие с естеството на нашите доминиращи мисли."