100 Funny Jokes by 100 Comedians (The Telegraph) [Revised]

'I don't trust that man. Before he gave his business cards out, he shuffled them.'
Red Buttons

'My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners!'
Sarah Silverman

'The wife’s mother said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’
I said: ‘Good. I’m being buried at sea.’'
Les Dawson

'I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered 'French Toast during the Renaissance'.
Peter Kay

'I just need to make it to 34 and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.'
Sarah Millican

'I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.'
Nick Helm

'The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall.'
Mitch Hedberg

'Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?'
Michael McIntyre

'I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really sh-tty body.'
Louis CK

'I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.'
Emo Phillips

'God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.'
Robin Williams

'My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.'
Ellen DeGeneres

'Two elderly women are at a Catskill restaurant. One of them says, "Boy, the food at this place is just terrible." The other one says, "Yeah I know. And such small portions."
Woody Allen

'I met my wife in Hong Kong. I said, what the bloody hell are you doing here?'
Alexei Sayle

'Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.'
Jenny Eclair

'Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.'
Benny Hill

'How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?'
Steven Wright

'Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.'
Bill Bailey

'Sir Bedevere: 'Now, why do witches burn?'
Peasant: '...because they're made of... wood?'
Sir Bedevere: 'Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?'
Peasant 2: 'Build a bridge out of her.''
From Monty Python and the Holy Grail

'A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.'
Jack Benny

'How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?'
Ross Noble

'I don't want any publicity – you get too many begging letters. If they're anything like the ones I send out I don't want to know!'
Tony Hancock

'My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.'
Dave Barry

'When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.'
Bob Monkhouse

'First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.'
Steve Martin

'I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'
Bill Hicks

'You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.'
George Burns

'The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, 'Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.''
Jerry Lewis

'A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.'
Bill Murray

'If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?' Dara O'Brien

'If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.'
Marcus Brigstocke

'It's important to live your life by a motto. I chose to live my life by the motto, 'My enemy's enemy is my friend.' Unfortunately, as it turns out, my enemy is his own worst enemy. So, I have to invite him to barbecues.'
Richard Herring

'Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously hasn't tried nailing jelly to a tree.'
John Candy

'Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?'
Billy Connolly

Source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comedy/comedians/funny-jokes/red-buttons/

TED Talks / ТЕД гост лектори

Andrew Stanton: The clues to a great story

1. Know your goal of storytelling
- “Storytelling is knowing that everything from your first to your last sentence is leading to a singular goal."
- “Stories confirm who we are. And nothing does a greater affirmation than when we connect through stories."

2. Make the audience care
- “Make me care, please, emotionally, intellectually, aesthetically, just make me care."

3. Make the audience put things together
- “We are born problem solvers. We are compelled to deduce, and to deduct."
- "Don’t give the audience the entire story. Don’t give them 4. Give them 2+2."

4. Find the “spine” that drive your main character’s decisions
- “All well-drawn characters have a spine. The character has an inner motor, a dominant, unconscious goal that they're striving for, an itch that they can’t scratch."

5. Embrace changes in your stories
- "Change is fundamental in stories."
- “If things go static, stories die, because life is never static."

6. Construct anticipation with uncertainty
- “Drama is anticipation mingled with uncertainty."

7. Make your audience like your main character
- Make your main character likable

8. Have a theme
- “A strong theme is always running through a well-told story."

9. Invoke wonder
- “Have them surrender to wonder."
- “The best story infuses wonder."

10. Express values you personally feel deep inside
- “Use what you know. Draw from it. It doesn’t always mean plot or fact. It means capturing a truth from your experience, expressing values you personally feel deep down in your core."


 Roselinde Torres: What it takes to be a great leader

 "Great leaders are shaping their future, not just reacting to it."

"Great leaders understand that having a more diverse network is a source of pattern identification at greater levels and also of solutions, because they have people who are thinking differently than they are."

"Great leaders dare to be different."

"The best leadership development doesn't happen by just going off to a course or a seminar… The best leadership development happens when people are learning in the context of their own strategic, economic agenda, with the actual people that they are going to influence and lead."


David Logan: Tribal leadership 

"Leaders need to be able to talk all the levels so that you can touch every person in society. But you don't leave them where you found them. Okay?"

 

Stanley McChrystal: Listen, learn ... then lead 

"A leader isn't  good because he is right; he is good because he is willing to learn and to trust."

Sheryl Sandberg: Why we have too few women leaders 

"No one gets the promotion if they don't think they deserve their success, or they don't even understand their own success."

"Don't leave before you leave. Stay in."

John Wooden: The difference between winning and succeeding

"If you make an effort to do the best you can regularly, the results will be about what they should be. Not necessarily what you'd want them to be but they will be about what they should."

"Success is: Peace of mind attained only through self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do the best of which you are capable."

"Whatever you are doing you must be patient."


Maysoon Zayid: I got 99 problems ... palsy is just one

"If I can can, you can can."

Adam Grant: The surprising habits of original thinkers

"Originals are nonconformists, people who not only have new ideas but take actions to champion them... Originals drive creativity and change in the world." 

"To be original you don't have to be first. You just have to be different and better."

"When you feel doubt, don't let it go."

"The greatest originals are the ones who fail the most, because they are the ones who try the most."

"The originals, they are not different from us."

"Being original is not easy but I have no doubt about this: it is the best way to improve the world around us."

Scott Dinsmore:  How to find and do work you love

"If we don't know what we are looking for we are never going to find it."

"Everything was impossible before someone did it."

"When ordinary people are doing the extraordinary and we can be around them - it becomes normal."

"It isn't about being Gandhi or Steve Jobs, or something crazy, it is just about doing something that matters to you and it is the impact that only you can make."

"What seems impossible can become the new normal."

 

Shakespeare and Company / Шекспир и компания

Click the images to open the site of the famous bookstore!

J. D. Salinger / Дж. Д. Селинджър

             

"I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy."

"Аз съм нещо като параноик наопаки. Подозирам хората в заговор да ме направят щастлив."

Muhammad Ali / Мухамед Али

           

"Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on Earth."

"Служба на другите е наемът, който плащаме на Земята."

"Although I was the one in the ring, I won as part of a team."

"Въпреки че бях сам на ринга, печелех като част от отбор."

 "The critics only made me work harder."

"Критиците единствено ме накараха да работя още по-усилено."


"True success is reaching our potential without compromising our values."

"Истинският усех е достигането на нашия потенциал без да жертваме ценностите си."

"Go the extra mile today."

"Направи допълнителното усилие днес."

 "Silence is golden when you can't think of a good answer."

 "Мълчанието е златно, когато не можеш да измислиш добър отговор."

"I’ve never let anyone talk me into not believing in myself."

"Никога не съм оставял някой да ме разубеждава да си вярвам."

"I wanted to be a champion who was accessible to everyone."

"Исках да бъда шампион, който е достъпен за всеки."

“If we didn’t experience a loss, we would never know what we are capable of.”

"Ако не преживявахме загуби, нямаше да знаем на какво сме способни."

"The man who has no imagination has no wings."

"Който няма въображение, няма крила."

"No one starts out on top. You have to work your way up."

"Никой не започва от върха. Трябва сам да си извървиш пътя."

"To be a great champion you must believe you are the best. If not, pretend you are."

"За да бъдеш велик шампион трябва да вярваш, че си най-добрият. Или да претендираш, че си."

"What counts in the ring is what you can do after you’re exhausted. The same is true to life."

"От значение на ринга е какво можеш да направиш, след като си изтощен. В живота е същото."

 "He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life."

"На когото не му достига кураж да поема рискове, той няма да постигне нищо в живота."

"Don't count the days, make the days count"

"Не бройте дните, правете ги значими."

"Age is whatever you think it is. You are as old as you think you are."

"Възраста е това, което си мислиш, че е. Възрастен си толкова, колкото си мислиш, че си."

"I am the greatest. I said even before I knew I was."

"Аз съм най-великият. Казвах това дори преди да разбера, че съм такъв."

"It’s not bragging if you can back it up."

"Не самохвалство, ако можеш да го подплътиш."

 "My toughest opponent has always been me."

"Най-трудния ми противник съм бил винаги аз самият."

Karl Robert Langewiesche / Карл Роберт Лангевише

"There is nothing on earth to crave more about beauty than soul... That is why many souls on earth can not resist the domination of a soul that responds to beauty."

"Няма нищо на земята, което да жадува повече за красота, от душата... Затова и много души на земята не устояват на господството на душа, която се отзовава на красотата."

Aristippus / Аристип

 

 "Everywhere is equally far to Hades." 

"Отвсякъде е еднакво далече до Хадес."

Ayrton Senna / Аертон Сена

           

 "I have no idols. I admire work, dedication and competence."

"Нямам идоли. Уважавам труда, посвещаването и компетентността."

"I think that it is precisely in hard times and in frustrating situations that one's strength and character is settled, when you turn problems and frustration in to motivation to prevail."

"Мисля, че именно в трудни моменти и обезсърчаващи ситуации се гради силата и характера, тогава проблемите и обезсърчението се превръщат в мотивация, която надделява."

Gianni Vattimo / Джани Ватимо

"When we are on a certain road, now we always know, more or less, where we have to be heading for."

"Когато сме на даден път, вече винаги знаем, повече или по-малко, накъде трябва да вървим."

"Прогресът става рутина."

"Progress becomes routine."

Joshua Marie / Джошуа Дж. Мари

"The challenges are the ones that make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful."

"Предизвикателствата са тези, които правят живота интересен, и преодоляването им е това, което прави живота смислен."

Robert De Niro / Робърт Де Ниро

"Talent is expressed in the choices we make."

"Талантът се изразява в изборите, които правим." 

 

"Time goes. So, whatever you're going to do, do it. Now. Do not wait."

"Времето върви. Така че, каквото и да се каните да направите, направете го. Веднага. Не чакайте." 

"The hardest thing of glory is that people are always nice to you."

"Най-трудното нещо на славата е, че хората винаги са мили с теб."

Nothing is more ironic and contradictory than life itself."

"Няма нищо по-иронично и противоречиво от самия живот."

O Sensei Ueshiba / О Сенсей Уешиба

"Those who are skilled in combat do not become angered, those who are skilled in winning do not become afraid. Thus the wise win before the fight, while the ignorant fight to win."

"Вещите в битка не се ядосват, вещите в печеленето не се страхуват. Така мъдрия печели преди да се бие, докато невежата се бие, за да спечели."

Mornet / Морне

"Nature becomes that what is for our modern souls: the vague and profound life in which is running and poured our own ineffability."

"Природата става онова, което е за нашите модерни души: неясният и дълбок живот, в който се изчерпва и се излива цялата ни собствена неизразимост."

Theocles / Теокъл

"A good man is really the architect of his own life and his own destiny with laying in himself secure and unbreakable foundation of order, of peace, of consent."

"Добрият човек става наистина архитект на своя собствен живот и на своята собствена съдба, полагайки в себе си сигурните и дълговечни основи на реда, на спокойствието, на съгласието."

John Maxwell / Джон Максуел

"A good leader always has good communication skills."

"Добрият лидер винаги е с добри комуникативни способности."

"The road to success is achieved through the doubling of errors."

"Пътят към успеха минава през удвояването на грешките."